Growing up

Growing up I swear my parents didn't treat me like a girl. I didn't wear dresses past kindergarten unless it was when I was going to church. Even then I wished I could wear some kind of pant suit. I mowed the lawn as soon as I could see over the mower. I had to help with all sorts of outside chores. Yeah, I did have my fair share of inside work...you know...equal with what my sisters where doing, even though they didn't help outside due to their "allergies" or some shit like that....I had allergies too... But whatever.

I constantly played outside and didn't do silly girly things. Ever since kindergarten most of my friends have been guys. Yeah in elementary school I had friends who were girls, but my closest friends were always guys. I didn't relate well to girls. Well, at least most girls. The friends who I did have who were girls were the "tom boy" sort of girls. I was stronger and faster than the girls in my grade and frequently got called a tom boy because of that. I didn't date until I was 16 and even then I didn't have a boy waiting to date me or anything.

In grade school, I was just absolutely tortured on the bus. I hated riding the bus. Our neighborhood was a middle class white one and we rode the bus with a less well of neighborhood of white and African Americans. My elementary school was super diverse so that never bothered me. I just didn't get why they seemed to hate me and my sisters so much. The bus driver had to force them to let us sit in seats with any of them and we were always the last picked up. It really sucked. I just totally didn't get it. We were the "weird white kids" from "that house." Or so it felt like to me.

My parents never really talked to me about sex or femininity or boys or anything. We still don't really talk about it. It is kind of that "dark secret" or "closet" thing that isn't on the table for discussion....heck, sometimes my parents don't know for up to oh a month or so after a break up that it happened...I think they didn't want to talk to me about it because they thought if I didn't know about it or they didn't talk about it then I'd just be scared into religion against experimenting....

Instead I got sexually abused at 16 and felt like I was at fault and like I had committed terrible sins. All of this lead me down a path to thinking sex was bad and wrong and that anything physical was horrible. Luckily I've managed to make it out of that path. But I was just seriously messed up about that stuff for the longest time. I'm not saying I'm 100% better or anything, but I've made a ton of progress.

Plus now I'm a little out of control when it comes to sexuality and I don't really feel like I have any sort of set stable ground to stand on. I mean I don't go around flashing every guy or having sex or anything like that. I just don't feel like I know where I feel comfortable with boys at what level and all. It is just a little rough to explain. Plus I don't have many female friends who I feel comfortable talking this over with. heck I don't have many friends who I feel comfortable talking this over with.

But seriously, I'm not like out of control to the point where I send out signs to boys I know casually that I want to be jumped. Maybe if my parents talked to me about this I'd know how to react in such a situation or at least something. I don't know if anyone can really ever be "ready" for what happens if they get jumped or anything. But my parents are just freaking crazy. They are more concerned that I'm going to get mugged/raped on the street or my car will be broken into than if I get date raped or pushed sexually while in a relationship....really which is more likely? I live in Austin...it isn't like it is a huge city...and I thought most rapes happened from people that a girl knew....Thanks for preparing me for life Mom and Dad.

My parent's parenting strategies sucked. Just flat out sucked. I just hope that now they are going to counseling they'll stop fucking with their kids lives and get over the fact that they've fucked us up just about as much as they can and they should back out now while they are still ahead...or rather not too far behind.

Okay, Maybe I'm just a bit bitter right now :).

Boys....I don't understand them

Oh gosh! So I went out to have drinks with my boss and her friend after work on Thursday. She has a friend who is in town from London. Her friend invited me to go eat sushi with him and see a movie downtown on Friday. And I said sure that might
work, but I wasn't feeling great on Friday and I wanted to play some video games, so I canceled. Plus I didn't know if he meant as a date or just as friends....and I preferred to stay on a just friends basis with this guy. For several reasons.

Well, he ended up coming over on Saturday and we rented The Exorsim of Emily Rose and Just Friends....and 1/2 way through Emily Rose he like jumped me....like seriously jumped me all animalistic like. It was way gross and he was really noisy about it. Like during the movie at first he put his arm around me and tried to like tickle me and such...and I'll put up with that
from a guy who seems nice and such. But I had decided that if he tried to kiss me I wasn't gonna let him, and then he totally jumped me and then started asking if I had protection....and I just wanted to slap him. And he kept not slowing down when I asked him to and not stopping. I was just not happy at all with him.

First of all...what kind of guy just flat out jumps a girl when she's shown NO indication of liking him and in fact cancels going to hang out with him? Second of all....what kind of guy jumps a girl during a horror flick? I'm totally staying away from him. Sorry, I'm just ranting...But I just don't get boys, like at all. I totally didn't talk about that stuff at all and I didn't hint in anyway that I wanted so much as a kiss. I behaved like I do around all my male friends.../sigh I totally don't get it. I don't like boys who just want to fuck. I'm a virgin and I plan on staying that way till I get married so it makes me very unhappy when I totally don't advertise that I'm interested in anything and then get jumped by a guy who just acts like I'm some kind of meat.

Sorry, I'll stop ranting about it. I just feel so...I don't know used or something. And he's like my boss's friend and all...i don't want to be a total ass towards him. But I think in this case I'll just tell him I'm going to be washing my hair every night for the next month :)....hehe...okay, I'll seriously stop ranting about it now.

Marathon

Since my freshman year of college I've been talking about running the Motorolla Marathon in Austin. I've been talking about it SO long that I think they have since changed the name of it to the Freescale Marathon or something like that.

Anyway, upcoming will be my Senior year of college (well, my 3rd year with that classification...AP test FTW! Smile ). I've always seemed to have excuses...freshman year: didn't start training early enough plus it was on a Sunday (yada yada), sophomore year: I was rowing, didn't want to train for both and kill my body, junior year: depression issues, bad break up, etc etc.

This year I'm doing it! DAMN IT! It is in February of 2007 and I am running my FIRST marathon! I just got back from my first training run for it and man do I feel good!
This is my goal. I'm gonna do it!

This is my goal! I'm gonna do it!

Recent Events

Okay, I admit it. I'm horrible at blogging. I guess I'm just too busy with other things? I don't know. Last week I didn't have internet for three days and I was staying in some dorms on a University campus...they finally got us internet, but not having internet and being in the "real world" is very maddening.

Anways, I went ice skating a week ago and here is what happened:

https://webspace.utexas.edu/meg56/www/Knees.jpg

https://webspace.utexas.edu/meg56/www/Hip.jpg

Ouch! Not happy. I'm still VERY bruised...

I ended up cheating on the only boy I've ever loved and figuring out what love really is.

Cheating is doing anything that you have to lie about to your partner to continue doing, generally it involves another person.
Basically it is breaking the promises that are outlined by the relationship.

Love is selflessness. It is doing something because your partner wants you to, even if you don't want to. It is thinking about the other person's needs before your own. Granted there are limits and no need to go off the deep end, but a person's actions should reflect the love they feel, or they are betraying themselves or lying about having those feelings. Love is being willing to lay down your own life to save the life of the person you love...

...I once had a boy that did everything in the world for me. He loved me more than I can imagine, fathom and comprehend. I repayed him with lies, cruel remarks, and cheating...

if I could wipe away the past 3 months, I would. I'd wipe out the past 6 months and do it all over again. I wish I could....



...instead I wear the puzzle ring he gave me on my left hand, on the ring finger. I'll keep it there until I am dishonest to him. I hope to never move that ring from that finger until I get engaged. If I never get engaged, I'm leaving it there till I die. It is my reminder never to lie and always to act in love.

Porn, What's the big deal?

People will judge me no matter what I do, like, eat, dress in, or think about. So I might as well be myself. Last night I had a kinky porn site up on my computer which is in view of the door way. No pictures were visible, just text as it was more of a story site. It was still there when I left for work. When I got home, it looked like my computer had been recently restarted.

I guess I am a bit worried, but what do I care if my roommate came in and found a porn site on my computer? It didn't even look like a porn site. But still, I doubt she'd judge me for it. Even if she did, I can live with that. Afterall, she is afraid of plastic spoons....who is she to judge what gets me off? (as long as it is legal!) I mean, if I cared what she thought, would I leave a vibrator sitting in its container on my couch? Would I leave my underwear spread around the floor? Probably not. I don't see what the big deal is about porn. Personally, I don't think it is that great but I'm still investigating. I am more turned on by text and stories than pictures and I don't like the porn industry and how it treats women. So I step away from stuff. But really, be who you are and don't be afraid to let people know things about you, even if they are weird things. Who are they to judge me? They have their own weird quirks.

I wish people would just let everyone feel comfortable being who they wanted to be.

However, I WOULD like to know what happened, just so I know if something is up with the computer.

Family

"Maybe that's all family really is: A group of people that miss the same imaginary place." - Andrew Largeman

In the movie Garden State

Daytime Television

Recently I've started watching Daytime Television. It is trashy gross TV and a waste of time. But school has calmed down and I just have the TV on as I'm cleaning and such. I can't believe where they FIND some of these people. Sometimes it is truely the trash of society. Like, really, where do you find a girl who is cheating on her boyfriend with three men and brings him on Jerry Springer to tell him that. However, that isn't all...."she" is also a transexual.....Really....That's pretty ridiculous. Or a girl who is cheating on her fiancee with another man....as well as her fiancee's aunt! Or a guy who is engaged to a girl AND her roommate....

Really. where do these people come from?

However, I was watching Maury today and there was a girl who came on to talk about her experience with a peeping tom. He snooped on her and she caught him one day. She rearranged her furniture to block all the windows and put bells on the bushes outside her place. She also had called 911 immediately when she saw him outside the window. She did everything she could...

Two weeks later...she was running errands and he came up behind her and raped her. She ended up being pregnant and getting an STD (Chlamydia). Her boyfriend left her when she found out she was pregnant and she aborted the baby. I can't believe this kind of stuff actually happens! It happened in San Antonio, Texas! That is just an hour away from where I am. The guy wasn't caught.

What kind of person does this kind of thing?

Sex, Love and Lies

What is sex? Is it the act of intercourse carried to its fullest extent of a man orgasming inside a woman?

Well, that is definitely sex but it doesn't encompass the full definition of it as sex happens between women and women and men and men. I'm mainly interested in what defines sex between a man and a woman as I'm heterosexual. Does the man pulling out right before he orgasms count as sex? I would think so. Does a man entering a woman once count as sex? I would be inclined to say no, but in that case, how many thrusts does it take to make it sex and not a thrust? But even if you say that one thrust is sex, is 1/2 a thrust sex? Is any penetration of the vagina sex?

Then that brings up hand jobs. Is that sex?

Does cyber sex count as sex? Does phone sex count as sex? Does thinking about sex with a man count as sex?

Where is the line of virginity drawn these days?

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All of this brings up another question. What is cheating?

Is cybering cheating? I'd say yes. Is phone sex cheating? Also a yes. Is thinking about sex with another man cheating? I'd say no.

Can you cheat on a man you aren't in a relationship with? No! Of course not!

Well, anything past just friends with another man would be cheating. But what about a girl? Is kissing a girl cheating? What about getting to second base with her? Third? What about giving each other orgasms? Or oral sex? What defines cheating with a girl on a guy? Having legitimate interest in her? Or does it matter if it is just messing around?

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What is a lie?

Not telling someone the whole truth? Leaving out parts of the truth? Bending the truth?

Are we as humans conditioned to lie?

Should I have to tell my parents that who I call at what hour is none of their business? I'm 21, I don't think they have the right to spy on me and intrude on my life. However, they won't listen to that. So should I just lie? Or should I tell them the honest truth?

At what point do lies become so easy that I lie to people I love and care about without meaning to? At what point do I start lying to myself? Is this healthy? Is there some other better way?

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What is love?

(Baby don't hurt me! Don't hurt me, no more....::giggles::)

Seriously, What is love? Is sex love? No. Otherwise there wouldn't be so many broken homes.

Is love sex? No I love my family and I will love my kids when I have them, but I am not going to have sex with them!

Does love mean I won't lie? No. I love my parents, but I will lie to them.

Does love mean that cheating won't occur? Well, I don't quite think so.

Is love why I cook dinner for a boyfriend? Or my parents when I'm at their house? I'd say yes.

Does love mean that I can treat someone however I see fit? No, that's abusive. That isn't love.

Does love mean that a guy can knock a girl up? No. Not unless they agree it is best, and even then, human judgement is never the best.

Is love marriage? Is marriage love?

Love is the essence of caring for one another, but it doesn't allow for abuse.

Security Breach

Apparently there was a big security breach at UT. I work in the ITS department proctoring a lab, but this week I'm working extra hours to help answer phones at the Help Desk since there will be alot of people calling in about it apparently. I'm a little nervous, but I'm sure it will go fine.

Tired, was a long weekend. Time to sleep.